How to Hide a Pregnancy

Let me start this post off by saying that now that my superior genes have deemed it necessary for me to procreate again that I’m not going to morph into a mommy blogger.  It’s not happening.  NiceGirlNotes will still be a frivolous place for me to draw stick figures and prove to my mom that I stopped maturing at age 11.

With that said, motherhood is a major (or maybe THE most major) aspect of my life, so once in awhile I like to share when Rembot takes her first ballet class or Baby Shark has destroyed more furniture with her teeth or when somehow, mystically, I’ve found myself pregnant after we declared we were done after two.

July 24th.  I woke up and just knew something was up.  I can’t really explain it.  It’s just one of those feelings when you know something to be true, like the fact that Anthropologie dresses are overpriced and 3 Musketeers is a disgrace to candy bars everywhere.  So, I ran to the drugstore, bought some pregnancy tests and a few bags of candy as a buffer and headed home.

Took the test.  Negative.  Breathed a sigh of relief.  Walked to the kitchen.  Opened up a bag of candy and popped a few celebratory Sour Patch Kids in my mouth.  Walked back to the bathroom to throw the test away.

WHAT THE WHAT?!  Are those TWO lines?

I will spare you all of the details, but just imagine lots of panic and eating my feelings in the form of pedestrian chocolate and Haribo gummy bears (THE BEST KIND!).

And I kept that action a secret for weeks.

Complication: Apparently, the more children you have, the sooner you start showing.  I had to start camouflaging myself immediately, and I was concerned that people would start asking questions.  So, I obnoxiously went out of my way to make people think that I’m not pregnant.  This is not a tutorial for success.  I mostly looked like an idiot.

Step 1:  Pretend that you’re suddenly a party animal.

Went to a party for a friend that was held in a very cool restaurant / bar hybrid in downtown New Haven.  I went to order a drink, and I discreetly asked the bartender, “Can you make a not-cocktail look like a cocktail?”  He said yes, and I pounded cranberry ginger ales while people actually thought I was consuming an impressive number of cranberry vodkas… especially when I rarely drink when not pregnant.

Then, I was in NYC for the day with some fellow bloggers.  We went out to lunch.  I let Karla and Lauren in on my secret, and then I uploaded pictures of our drinks to Twitter.

Mine was in the middle.  And?  It’s a soda.  I basically lied to all of Twitter, which I think may be a cardinal sin.

LOOK AT MY COCKTAIL!  LOOK AT HOW NOT PREGNANT I AM!

Okay, nerd.

Step #2:  Strike awkward poses and upload them to Facebook, showing people that you do not have a baby bump, because, right? you’re not pregnant.

I was at a splash pad with my friends and all of our kids.  Someone went to take a picture, and I thankfully had already hiked up my shorts.  All I needed to do was lean back, and give it my best G pose.

Eh?  Eh?  Lookit, I never claimed to be smart.

Step #3:  If you’re sick, hide it.

Queasy?  Tired?  I dragged myself into the shower, got dressed, fixed my hair and put on some makeup to mask the tiredness.  I didn’t want to field questions like, “Heyyy… are you feeling okay?”

I’m not going to illustrate this with a photo.  Picture ZZZzzz and then ZZZzzz + a little mascara.  Boom.

Step #4:  Use clothing to mask evidence of you growing another human.

Lots of floofy shirts + skinny pants.  Leggings + flowy shirt or skinny jeans + loose tank top with gathers + cardigan.  I had to be part of a team photo.  I was nervous that, in spite of my attempts, I’d look pregnant in the pictures.

I wore a ruffle tier tank with an open cardigan and skinny jeans.  I pulled Kim – the very nice photographer – aside and explained my concern.  She came up with some code words for “Suck it in, girl” and “Lean to the left.”  And then?  She mostly photographed me from the chest up.

I gots a secret.

Photo credit: Kimberly Peck Photography

Moral of the story?  Make friends with photographers and bartenders.  They’ve got your back.
Also?  Hiking your shorts up is apparently unattractive.
And?  Orange & yellow Starburst are the best kind.  You can have my pink & red ones.