Ballers Of History | {NiceGirlNotes}

Category Archives: Ballers of History

Ballers of History: John Hancock

Written on March 30, 2011 in Ballers of History

(deep man movie voice-over) It’s time for another installation of Ballers of History! (/end voice-over)

In the past, we’ve talked about other historical high rollers – George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Martin van Buren (who turned out to be an anti-baller). Don’t forget my disclaimer. Half of my extremely educational information may or may not be completely fabricated. Anyway… ahem. :)

Today’s notable baller? John Hancock.

You’ve heard of him. His name gets tossed around daily, in unfortunate ways (i.e., the time that guy with the mustache sold you that thing and asked for your John Hancock on some Godforsaken contract). But who was he?

John Hancock was born in 1737 in Massachusetts. He graduated from Harvard and eventually took over his uncle’s shipping company, House of Hancock.

Britain started taxing the colonies, and rioting occurred in the form of the 1700s Tea Party movement (the original ‘teabaggers’ <—Ew, media). John Hancock boycotted tea and other British imports until the Townshend Acts (basically Britain imposing crazy taxes) were repealed.

After a few more throwdowns with the British, John Hancock became President of the Continental Congress. He also married Dorothy “Dolly” Quincy in Fairfield, Connecticut. (Not too far from yours truly.) Dolly and John had two children, but sadly.. their daughter Lydia passed away at ten months old, and John George Washington Hancock (ballin’ name) died at nine years old.

John Hancock is best well-known for signing the Declaration of Independence. This event was so volatile – the men knew they were risking everything by signing it. But John Hancock, in a true depiction of being bold and daring… or whatever they said back then (John Hancock doth own steel appendages, maybe), he signed the Declaration of Independence in large letters and with flourish.

It was crazy. People were all OHHHHHH NO HE DIDN’T. And he was all.. HATERS TO THE LEFT! Jay-Z later wrote a song inspired by John Hancock.

And in his honor, we’ve named tons of things after him. Naval vessels, a World War II ship…

(“I got boats!”)

Towns, insurance companies, buildings. And if he had a blog, I’m pretty sure he’d put this button on it:

Yeah, you are, John! Fist bump?

…

Fist bump?

15 Comments - Leave a comment, good lookin!

Ballers of History: Martin Van Buren

Written on December 1, 2010 in Ballers of History

Hello, and Happy December to you! If you’re reading this post through email or a Google Reader or the like, please come click through today, because we’ve got some new stuff on the website. Take a look around. :)

It’s time for another installation of…

Today I’m schooling you on Martin Van Buren, the eighth President of the United States. Notably, also the first President to have been born a United States citizen.

Van Buren was known for his speaking and composition skills (a plus for a candidate, obviously, since we all love dynamic speakers). And Van Buren did a lot of politickin. He was a New York Senator, then moved onto being Secretary of State, then Vice President, and finally President. (He and Thomas Jefferson are the only two to hold the three latter positions.)

In regards to family life, when Van Buren was 25, he married Hannah Hoes. I’d also like to point out that his mother’s maiden name was Hoes. He and Hannah were distant relatives (that sort of stuff flew back then, y’all). He and Hannah had five sons and one daughter – sadly, the daughter was stillborn, and the third son was born and died in the same year. The other four sons all grew up to have some sort of experience in politics.

Van Buren also had a cool last name. Van. Buren. Makes me want to stick a “Van” in front of stuff.

Hey, doesn’t Van Buren look a little like Wolverine?

Alas, I’m afraid this is where is baller status ends. A cool name and goofy hair can only get you so far. Van Buren is marked by some bullyness. Some scandal. Some rude-ity. Some not-so-baller behavior.

Mormons were experiencing some major oppression in the 1800s – did you know there was an 1838 Mormon War? I did not. Anyway, Mormons were being kicked out of Missouri. Joseph Smith appealed to Van Buren for help. Van Buren allegedly said to Smith, “Your cause is just, but I can do nothing for you; if I take up for you I shall lose the vote of Missouri.”

Dang, Van Buren. Daaang.

Regarding slavery, he said, “I must go into the Presidential chair the inflexible and uncompromising opponent of every attempt on the part of Congress to abolish slavery in the District of Columbia against the wishes of the slaveholding States, and also with a determination equally decided to resist the slightest interference with it in the States where it exists.”

:O What, now? I know. My research shows that at one point he did vote against slavery.. in Missouri, but I’m not convinced he made the turn around that Baller Benjamin Franklin once did. If I’m wrong, please tell me. Otherwise, I’m stamping Van Buren as an…

Anti-Baller of History

You're no baller!

Am I being harsh? Please tell me. Got another historical figure you’d like to see up here? Tell me that, too.

Sorry, Van Buren. And my apologies to the Van Buren Boys.

26 Comments - Leave a comment, good lookin!

Ballers of History: Benjamin Franklin

Written on October 21, 2010 in Ballers of History, sketchy

It’s time for more…

Ballers of History is a series on… ballers. Of… history. This is my second BoH post. You can read the first one about George Washington and then come back here for the second installment.

This week’s baller is Benjamin Franklin. You know him as the big headed guy that did all that stuff, not sure about what, but wasn’t lightning involved? Let me school you a little bit.

Benjamin Franklin was born in 1706 into a huuuge family. He had a lot of siblings. BF’s dad, Josiah, had many children with his first wife, and many children with his second wife.

Benjamin was the youngest son, and either the ninth out of eleven children or the fifteenth out of seventeen. Or maybe I’m wrong altogether. The jury’s out on the exact number of siblings, due to mortality rates among children back then and the two wives. And yet, out of all the numbers I’ve found, Josiah Franklin still had fewer children than the Duggars.

BF had some baby mama drama of his own. He tried marrying a 15 year old, but then she married someone else who ended up running off to Barbados with her dowry, so then he had a common-law marriage with her and took care of her kid, and then THEY had kids, but it turns out he had a child with ANOTHER woman as well. Dang. I should backtrack a little – to before he needed a heart-to-heart with Dr. Phil and a fifth grade health class.

When Benjamin Franklin was 16, he got all PETA on us and became a vegetarian — but not for the normal PETAish reasons. He gave up meat so he could afford to buy books. I can’t even compare that to modern day teenager, as I think most high school students only read under duress – the exception being if there are sparkly vampires involved. It’s like asking a teenage girl to give up Facebook so she can play mahjong with her dad.

No, it’s not. I can’t think of anything comparable.

Maybe Benjamin was frustrated about having books, but no bacon. Or bacon, but no books. So he formed the first public library in the US so no one would have to give up eating Five Guys burgers in order to read a book. Actually, he did a lot of stuff…

He invented the lightning rod, invented bifocals, wrote books, and published newspapers.. He also decided slavery was a terrible idea, let his two slaves go and became an abolitionist. He created one of the first volunteer firefighting companies in the US! He played chess! He composed music! He signed the Declaration of Independence! He wore Batman underpants!

And the biggest and best reason why he’s a baller? His face is on the hundred dollar bill. Hip hop artists have been rapping about him for decades now.