1. Don’t wrinkle your forehead. Don’t do it. You’ll get tons of perma-lines on your forehead. I thought this was so obnoxious when I was twelve.
Me: So, my history test was really hard, and we had to memorize all of the Amendments. But -
Mom: Stop wrinkling your forehead.
Me (Unwrinkles forehead): But like, only three of us memorized all of the Amendments, and everyone would have gotten Ds and Fs so -
Mom: STOP…. wrinkling your forehead.
Me (frustrated sigh, unwrinkles): SOOO she ended up making the Amendments extra credit!! And I got a 107! Isn’t that great, Mom?
:::silence:::
Me: Mom?
Mom: Roo, look at me. Do I have wrinkles on my forehead??? I’m 40 years old, and I have zero wrinkles on my forehead. If you keep crinkling up your forehead every time you talk, I will look younger than you when you’re 22 and I’m 50!
:::loud sigh:::
Mom: Stop sighing. It’s impolite.
Me: I got a 107. That breaks all A plus barriers. That’s like an A plus plus PLUS.
Mom: What was the highest grade in the class?
Me: Um, 120?
Mom: Then a 107 is HARDLY an A plus plus PLUS.
:::louder sigh:::
Mom: Stop sighing. It’s impolite.
By the time I was 13, I decided I couldn’t handle these regularly scheduled lectures about marring one’s face. So, over the course of one weekend, I slapped a piece of Scotch tape on my forehead. Whenever I would raise my eyebrows, I’d feel it, and would immediately “unwrinkle.” I kicked the habit in a weekend.
Yes, dear reader. My forehead is impeccable. I’m also told I have an expressionless face. I make up for it in emoticons. :D :) :o)
2. Always wear nice underwear and cute pajamas. You never know when something will explode, incinerate your clothes, and leave you in your underwear in front of good looking firemen.
3. Firm up your booty. I’m sorry if you’re clutching your pearls in horror at this statement. :) If you squeeeeeze your gluteus maximus hard, over and over, you’ll work your little tushy muscles. It’s like.. kegels for your badonkadonk. (CLUTCHING PEARLS!) It’s true.
4. Have no patience for someone who is yelling at you. If she’s yelling at you, she’s in cray-cray mode and there’s no point reasoning with her. If he’s yelling, he’s in no state of mind to hear what you have to say. Just walk the heck away and let them calm their junk down before revisiting the topic. Yelling is disrespectful. One of her favorite expressions? “No one yells at me.”
5. Be slightly neurotic. Well, she didn’t say that. It sort of just happened. Mom’s big into numbers – her career is all about numbers. And now, for some reason, Ryan and I are all quirky about numbers. My mom proved it once last year. She and Ryan were hanging out in my living room.
Mom: Ryan, what’s your alarm clock set to right now?
Ryan (checks his phone): 7:07.
Mom: Roo, and yours?
Me: 5:57.
Mom: Mine’s 6:19.
We’re a bunch of weirdos. Jack thinks so.
Jack: How many ice cubes?
Me: 3 or 7.
Jack: 3 or 7?
Me: They’re odd numbers.
Jack: What about 1?
Me: Not enough ice.
Jack: What about 5?
Me: It’s the most ‘even’ of the odd numbers.
Jack: Right. Of course. What about 9?
Me: Dude. Come on. Totally excessive.
And the worst part is? My mom and my brother will overhear this conversation and nod their heads like this is completely normal. Jack looks at us like we’re pod people who stole the skin off humans. Wrinkle-free skin.
* * * * * * * * * *
{Linking to Wordful Wednesdays and Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop}
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! You crack me up.
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:41 am
Thanks, Catherine! :D
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You couldn’t have told about the wrinkle thing, like, oh, 10 years ago?! Sigh…I have major forehead wrinkles and my MIL keeps talking about the crease in between her eyebrows. I never noticed my crease until then. And, could you please stop making me laugh, because that is totally adding eye-corner wrinkles and the parenthesis wrinkles around my mouth.
Love your blog by the way!
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:40 am
I totally have eye corner wrinkles and smiley lines. :)
Try the scotch tape? And then take pictures, please.
And thank you!!!
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all great things to learn from momma. what do you think your kiddies will learn from you? ;)
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:40 am
How to be awesome, naturally. :P
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LOL. too funny.
I have a wrinkle free forehead as well… but just by pure luck, not my mom convincing me not to do it. LOL
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:39 am
My mom would *love* you, Debi!
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Five is the most even number. Five has no enemies. ;)
I love your mom’s advice. Though I’m going to be paranoid about my forehead for the next week. haha.
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:38 am
Hahaha, maybe follow Anthropologie week with Scotch Tape on your forehead week?
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I always have my alarm set to some random number. Glad to know I’m not the only weirdo!
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:27 am
Hahaha, Ali! :)
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*LOL*
Me likes! ^_^
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:27 am
\m/ o.o \m/
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When I switched directions in my career and went the programming/analysis route, I noticed after 6 months of staring at the computer screen that I had developed a vertical wrinkle on my forehead. I totally could have used a piece of tape there. It would have been completely worth any strange stares from people passing by my cubicle. Either it was from that job or just getting married around that same time and getting to know my in-laws. Lots of wrinkled brow of confusion there too!
Oh my mom does the same thing when I try to tell her something…lots of interruptions like “did your hair get grayer?” and “you have something in your nose” and “sit up straight” and things like that. Sigh (oh sorry Roo’s mom for sighing).
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:26 am
DUDE. I mean, STEPH. Sit up straight was another one. She’ll tell me that now.
I’m all, “Moooooooooom!!! I’m, like, an ADULT now!!”
It doesn’t matter. It never matters.
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this is SUCH A CUTE POST! :) I kept smiling as I read it. <3
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:25 am
Haha, awwww, thanks! :)
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No. 4 is right on. I don’t let people yell at me either. But my way of dealing with it not quite as polite as just walking away.
And is it weird that I totally get that numbers thing and I’m not even sure why. And five is totally the most even of the odd numbers.
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:25 am
Hahaha, yes!! Five IS totally the most even of the odd numbers. Ahhh, sigh of relief.
You *get* me, Jennifer.
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Hahahahahahaha! I needed this. And I never thought about Five that way, until now, and my brain suddenly breathed a sigh of relief that someone made me understand the way I’ve always felt about Five, but didn’t know how to put it into words. Thank you, Roo. :D
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:24 am
Stick with me, kid. I’ll teach you a thing or two!
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i got totally stoked the other day when my grocery total was 12.34. the cashier and others in line did not share my enthusiasm.
also, i am 35 years old, which is the second of three times in a typical human life that one will ever be aged consecutive prime numbers! (23, 35, 57)
oo, oo, and 73 is the best number ever! 73 is the 21st prime number. it’s reverse is 37, which is..(wait for it)… the 12th prime number! 7 times 3 is 21, which is it’s prime number position. AND in binary, 73 is a palindrome: 1001001.
Mmmm, numbery goodness…
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Roo Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 10:23 am
I hate that I love this comment. Hate. I do love 73, though.
I’m irritated that my house number is 85. 85?! Come on! Can’t I at least have 87? Or like… 91?
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River Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
my house number is 431, which im ok with cause 4-3=1
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Paulina J! Reply:
March 16th, 2011 at 11:56 am
River, I vote for you for having the best comment EVER!! Roo, you have the best, smartest bloggie friends!
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:16 pm
Haha, I totally do! Include yourself in that statement. :)
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Mandy Reply:
April 25th, 2011 at 6:23 pm
Holy crap, I have found my true friends! I convinced my SIL to reschedule her c-section from 09/08/09 to 09/09/09. She said the Dr. wouldn’t allow 09:09 for the time though…
P.S. River, I am REALLY jealous of your house #
You are always so funny. I should just live here.
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:16 pm
I’ve got a spare couch!
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Love these!
Something my mother taught me -
It’s ok to have a day to rest and do nothing. You don’t have to always get 750 things accomplished in every day.
I’m trying to be less of a blog stalker and comment on all of the blogs I read. I’d love for you to visit my blogs too!
http://www.stelladolceblog.blogspot.com
http://www.alexiscardwell.blogspot.com
~Niki
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Are you sure your mom taught you #3? My mom would NEVER have suggested anything that would have given me a better ass.
I woke at 5:22a.m. without an alarm every morning for two years.
The ice cube thing, I have never thought about that before, but you are completely right.
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:17 pm
She totally did. She’d make me do pushups before bed, too. :)
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I LOVE this post. Reminds me of my Filipina MIL! So true about the numbers! I try to get certain numbers while pumping gas, which is quite a challenge now that gas is freaking high!
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:18 pm
My mom was over, reading this post on my laptop. I passed out on the couch and I woke up to her shaking me.
She was pointing at your comment and was all, “I DO EXACTLY WHAT PAULINA DOES!”
She’ll try to get the price to say $15.51 or $21.12 or something like that.
Y’all are weird. (Kidding!)
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Holy Moly. I totally agree on the numbers thing! I actually read your thing about the alarm clocks 4 times before I got what you were saying because I’m the same way! It’s so normal to me that I couldn’t see the oddness of the conversation at all.
I do the same when setting time on the microwave. Usually stuff if perfectly cooked in 33 seconds or 27 seconds.
And don’t even get me started on the clock. Everytime I check the time I’m making some math equation out of the numbers.
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:19 pm
Yes! 31 seconds.
I do something similar with letters. I’ll count letters in names and… never mind. I’m starting to sound crazy.
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“Kegels for your badonkadonk”?
I had to go pee before I could finish reading the rest of the post because I was laughing so hard (I’ve had four children so I totally have an excuse…which pry means that kegels should be done on both the saggy booty AND the other important area as well so no more bathroom breaks during the midst of reading your blog. Sigh. I mean, unsigh.)
I’m glad your mom taught you some useful stuff. I used to hear things from my parents like, “Eat burnt toast. It puts hair on your chest,” and “Sit up straight, no one likes a humpback,” and finally, “Quit screwing up your face like that because some day it’s going to freeze and you’ll be stuck like that forever.” Seriously?! I mean get real. The humpback thing and my face freezing, I was always like, Whatever. But the hair on my chest? What girl wants hair on their chest? Cuz…ewww.
Totally love your blog, btw. Gives me the giggles every time. :)
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:21 pm
Ahahahahahaha! I heard “sit up straight” SOOO many times.
And it was opposite with the burnt toast. My mom has the slightest bit of hypochondriac in her.
“DON’T eat burnt toast! Think of the carcinogens.”
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:21 pm
PS. I clicked on your name to visit your blog and it says it doesn’t exist. Playing mind games with me now???!
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Jen Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 4:06 pm
I pry typed it in wrong. I’m kind of a dork like that. :D Should be right this time–but beware, I haven’t updated it in….like 6 months. OOPS.
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Ahhhhhhh random numbers!!!! :running and hiding:
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:21 pm
Smart girl! :)
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This is hilarious…she’s so very right about the forehead wrinkling…I am 70-looking 30-year-old because I constantly furrow my brow.
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:22 pm
Hahaha my husband furrows his brow all the time, and I have to resist the urge to say “Stop wrinkling your forehead!”
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I have a horrible looking forehead with too many wrinkles!
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:22 pm
Scotch tape! :)
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Loved these. And I love your writing style with its digressions about clutching pearls. I live in North Carolina, so I totally get that. The horror!!! :) Visiting on the mamakat linkup!
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Roo Reply:
March 25th, 2011 at 9:09 pm
Haha, yay, North Carolina! And thank you! :D
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I wish your mom was my mom and told me to stop wrinkling my forehead…gah now I must wear bangs ;)
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Roo Reply:
March 20th, 2011 at 12:24 pm
I wish I could have bangs on the bottom of my face to hide an awesome double chin.
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Wonderful narration!
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Roo Reply:
March 25th, 2011 at 9:09 pm
Thanks, Jenny! :)
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[...] a real word. If that’s true, which it’s not, I attribute it to my mother who knows the art of keeping a neutral, demure face. Come over sometime. My Filipino mother will make you a cup of tea, hug your babies, and tell [...]
LOL, this might be my favorite post of yours ever.
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[...] impeccable. She told us she was 65, and my jaw sort of dropped to the floor, because despite the no-wrinkle lessons from my mom, this woman had fewer lines than me. Anyway, she as all UNDULATE your hips. And I was all, say [...]
This post has me squeeeeezin’ and laughing out loud!
Thank you!!
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I have always always thought that five was the most even of the round numbers. Scary!
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[...] What the junk, yo. What the junk. Sorry you didn’t get your tabloid Juno story, CAROL. And also? ASIAN DON’T RAISIN. *makes circular motion around face* (Pssst. Thanks, Mom.) [...]
so i’m pretty sure i remember that test…i normally don’t remember much of anything but the 107 rings a bell :)
i have stayed up far too late reading your blog…you are hugely talented. i can’t wait to meet up with you for dinner. oh shoot, we never set a date. we’ll do that. right??
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I have just discovered your blog, and I must say I’m addicted. I’ve spent the last hour reading your hilarious posts! You are awesome! And I hope you see this, because I recently had a discussion with a friend of mine over how many kids I want.
Me: “It would have to be either 3 or 7…so I’m leaning towards 3″
Friend: “Why 3 or 7?”
Me: “I don’t like Even numbers…they freak me out a little”
Friend: “How about 5? That’s an odd number.”
Me: “Yes, but 5 is the most even of all odd numbers…”
Friend: *stares at me speechless*
(I can relate to your number story! haha!)
On a side note, I was married on 08/08/08 (husband’s idea… I wanted 03/06/09…)
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[...] cause I like odd numbers, one [...]
Hahaha! Moms are the best!
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